Among young expats its not uncommon, after a they’ve been abroad for awhile, to hear something like,

• “Its time to go home and stop screwing around.”

• “Its time to settle down and grow up.”

Maturity, in the true general usage, means doing what other people want for reasons one doesn’t understand while managing to hide one’s discontent. Returning home is the perfect example to illustrate this definition. The young expat accepts that their family (other people) wants them to return to the country of origin (what the other people want) and they do it for some supposedly beneficial reason – which they generally can’t - or don’t - want to elaborate on when pressed (the reason they don’t understand).

Another way to put it is this:

Maturity = Submission to Societal and Familial Norms Within a Socially Acceptable Time Frame (maybe 28~).

You’d better not surpass your tribe’s implicit time allocation for rebellion and self discovery – otherwise, you’ll always be a black sheep – the weird guy with the interesting stories at your family reunions – who, everyone sort of knows, doesn’t really belong there. He’s stuck between two worlds – unable to resolve the contradiction of his love for the unencumbered existence away from home - with his sense of guilt and duty to his family.

The elders think he’s “weird.”

So, even among the expats who go abroad for extended periods of time – the false self internalization of “maturity” floats around in their subconscious ether. They haven’t been unburdened by philosophy or self-knowledge – generally speaking – thus, an easier solution needs to be found. While abroad I imagine they feel freed, to a great extent, from the undesirable aspects of life – shitty parents, flaky friends of historic convenience, mind numbing visits with extended family, unfulfilling romantic relationships, oppressive social expectations, the hollow practice of religious rituals, etc.

Yet, lacking cognizance of their struggle or any form of transcendence – the guilt builds up and they return to their tribe. I feel comfortable in this speculation because I’ve had similar experiences.

 Its so obvious that the most enjoyable parts of life happen spontaneously with friends in fun new environments – yet, even in their later 20s, most will rapidly return home when mommy and daddy say its time to come in for dinner. Play time is over. Time to settle down and have my grandchildren.

I suggest that traveling away from one’s home society is perhaps an unconscious attempt at avoiding the negative aspects of one’s tribe of origin in the first place. After all, its much easier just to go teach English in Thailand for a year than to tell your parents you don’t like them or to stop associating with bad friends. Why not just disappear to the other side of the world? Its a quick fix, you get to avoid most of the displeasure of your relationships of origin – without any of the actual difficulty of ending the relationships.

“Yeah, I talk to my Mom on Skype every other Thursday. I love my Mom!”

Do you? You love your mother so you’ve decided to live 10,000 miles away from her? Yeah, right. Who claims to love their romantic partner and then immediately moves to the other side of the planet? But I’m getting off topic – love in the common vernacular is a meaningless cliché anyway.

Back to our young expat…

Upon return, they discover they can’t quite fit in exactly the same way anymore. Things aren’t like they remember. Their friends don’t care about their adventures. Relating to people from home has become impossible – its like the two parties are now speaking different languages. A runaway slave has returned to the plantation to give them stories of the outside – alas, the plantation slaves don’t care.

People think growing up means going home. I have a different idea: growing up means individuating, doing your best to understand the world you live in, and then taking full personal responsibility for achieving your goals in the light of that understanding.

Grow up. Move to East Asia.